Transitions, tantrums, and transformations
Going through it ... to get through it
With my beloved gold sandals now tucked away in the back of the closet, Fall is here, and with it comes change and transitions. Look, I’m a big believer in the “change is good” mindset. (At last count, I’ve moved 22 times in my life!) But let’s get real, sometimes, change can be stressful, bewildering, and definitely not something we invited into our lives. Job loss, empty-nest, ageism, health issues — oh, how the list goes on.
How do we handle the inevitable? But first, let’s understand why transitions can be so challenging (and, yes, at times, tantrum-inducing):
Loss of Identity and Sense of Self
Transitions shake our fundamental sense of who we are. Whether we realize it or not, we’ve built our identity around familiar routines. With change, we also stand to lose familiar roles and the competence that we’ve developed in those roles. This creates an uncomfortable “in-between” space where we’re no longer who we were but haven’t yet become who we’re meant to be next.
Fear of the Unknown and Loss of Control
Transitions, by definition, involve uncertainty. We’re leaving the familiar and predictable for something we haven’t fully experienced yet. Even positive transitions (promotions, new relationships, exciting moves) trigger anxiety because we can’t fully control or predict the outcomes. Our brains are wired to prefer certainty and patterns for survival, so transitions activate our threat response even when they’re ultimately a good thing.
Grief for What’s Ending
Here’s one we often overlook. Every transition involves loss — even happy ones. We’re not just moving toward something new; we’re saying goodbye to something that was part of our lives. This requires genuine grieving, but our culture often doesn’t acknowledge this, especially for “positive” transitions. We’re expected to be purely excited about the new job, new city, or new life stage without honoring what we’re leaving behind. This unprocessed grief makes the transition harder and can create unexpected emotional resistance.
How do we move through?
So what can we do to move through transitions with more presence — feeling all the feelings — and courage? Call it serendipity, but I’ve wanted to listen to Dan Harris’s 10% Happier podcast for a while now, and found a great discussion on … transitions. In How to Handle Turbulence and Transitions, Harris speaks with Phillip Moffitt, a Buddhist teacher with decades of experience and the creator of DharmaWisdom. It’s a dynamic and deeply insightful discussion, and I wanted to share one of Moffitt’s 5 Tools. But before the tools, Moffitt believes that mindfulness is the first step before everything:
“Because it gives you the space to make your own decisions here and not be caught in a reactive mind state. Mindfulness brings you into this moment. It gives you a perspective of looking at the larger surroundings rather than just reacting to the immediate stimulation.”
But, back to the tool I wanted to share: start where you are. Don’t dwell on not having done something sooner or putting something off because the conditions aren’t perfect. Accept the reality of what’s happening right now, i.e., “This is the reality right now. How do I want to move through/experience this?”
If you’re going through a transition, I hope this can help.
And now … this week’s links:
When you think about whether it’s too late to start something, I want you to think about French yogi Charlotte Chopin, who at the age of 102 is still teaching yoga classes three times a week, nurturing her multigenerational friend group, and taking great pleasure in eating her morning tartine. #agelessliving #keepgoing
Mid-19th Century, Dublin. The death of the patriarch of the mighty Guinness Brewing family opens up the show’s premise — who will run the ever-expanding juggernaut? We follow the oldest heirs, Alfred and Edward, their vastly different visions, a healthy dose of debauchery, blackmail, labor struggles, inconvenient pregnancies (yes! plural!), and a master class on how to pour a proper glass of Guinness. Watch trailer here.
I loved Nosrat’s Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat. The book. The series. Everything. Now Nosrat is back with her new book, Good Things, and this one actually has recipes (125 of them!), something Nosrat has resisted. The foundation of the book, though, is a meditation on Nosrat’s deeply personal struggles with loneliness, family estrangement, and building her community. Nosrat’s honesty, kindness, and pure joy for food are infectious. Here’s a great interview with her here.
Thanks so much for reading!
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